Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One more week left to drive recklessly in school zones

   Life pro tip #366: Never make a midnight snack in the dark. A peanut butter and salsa sandwich taste exactly how it sounds

   Pop two more balloons and we win a stuffed animal... Which ironically, is also made in China...

   If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.

   Does anyone know if you can declare Congress and the Senate as dependents when filing taxes this year?

   Seems to me that UFOs may just be billionairs from other planets?

   Pro cooking tip: Serve a super bold, spicy red wine before dinner to cover up how badly you over seasoned the food. The best defense is a good offense.

   You think the world-wide pandemic was bad? Wait until the world-wide food shortage starts! It's all about control...

   I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies

   Do beavers even know what they're doing? Or do they just see water flowing down a river and think, "Absolutely not!"

   i find it ironic that when you go to the usps website to complain, they tell you to email them

   When I was a kid, the term "gaslighting" didn't involve playing mind games. It involved a Bic lighter and a fart.

   I know there's definitely something wrong with me when I care more about someone getting a BJ in the Oval Office than violations of the constitution and abuse of office.

   I Love octopus. cooked right they are very tasty, Tried to cook one the other night and took me 5 hours. The sucker kept turning off the gas.

   When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry. Neither of us has slept in 16 years.

   You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.

   Dear Narcissist, I wish I could find a way to love you as much as you love you.

   My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch, its called #LUNCH

   Roses are red, grass is greener. When I think about you I play with my weiner!

   “The cemetery is full of people who thought they could change themselves tomorrow.”