Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A new study just came out that shows that hurricanes named after women are more deadly. Mainly because when they leave, they take half your stuff.

   I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.

   Did the dinosaurs on the Flintstones know that they could eat the people instead of working for them?

   I think Presidential elections should be quick.... not wait until November.... If I have an election that lasts longer than four hours, I call the doctor.

   Why do ballerinas always stand on their toes? They should hire taller ballerinas...

   Wondering how can I get my wife the perfect Valentines gift when she already has me.

   A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?

   The world would be a much better place if everyone grew vegetables instead of electing them.

   Have they released any official figures yet on how many lives were saved by taping arrows on the floors of supermarket aisles?

   Why do I have to grow up? ..Isn't it enough that I've learned how to behave in public?

   I’m creating a new perfume for introverts. It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.

   I'm in favor of a law that requires all telemarketers to wear a shock collar that can be activated by pressing the pound key (#).

   When I order something online and there's a "Delivery Notes" box I put "Cross moat, Slay dragon, Leave item on back porch."

   Don't accept a friend request from Dan Druff. I hear he's a bit flaky!

   I can't wait for 'Truth Social' to become bigger than Twitter.

   I identify as a threat. My pronouns are Try / Me.

   So, where are the "Why does the military only get one day" people? I mean surely if its important and they care, surely theyd mention it in the last 3 months, right?

   Britney's free and we could start dating now!

   Marriage tip: Ladies, keep your husband on his toes by randomly asking him "Are you listening to me?" That way you always have his full attention.

   How to save money on snacks at a theater: Have the self-discipline to sit still for an hour and a half without eating.