Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How come when someone is missing the media makes them out to be a saint? Why not just say 'yeah their a jerk but lets find them anyway?'

   Vaccinated or not, Please during these late summer days, wear deodorant. (and stay out of the left lane)

   I bought some potting soil on Sale. You might say it was "dirt cheap".

   If we're going to have a whole month dedicated to one of the Seven Deadly Sins, I would rather it be Gluttony.

   Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

   I’ve often wondered what an atheist would do if he was stuck behind a car that wasn’t moving at a green light and had a bumper sticker on it that said "Honk if you love Jesus."

   My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.

   Dear Brandon: First of all, you should know that I'm typing this with my middle finger..

   Help control the pet population, eat at a Chinese restaurant this weekend.

   The three stages of life: Wanting stuff... Accumulating stuff... Getting rid of stuff.

   As a woman, it's part of my default settings to be right. Always.

   What's the odds I ever meet a Victoria's Secrets Angel? OK, don't answer that.

   Welcome to the epoch of divisiveness.

   Does any lady just out there just wanna get married just to say we did it!?!??

   Hello I am new user and I would to ask you, How to disable a pm?

   You know you are getting old when you can remember Tom Sellick’s first rodeo

   Both corn and beer looks the same on the way in as they do on the way out.

   I've never had a DUI. Bet you can't steal this status lmao

   Apparently I am turned on when me boss wears a short skirt. I found that out the hard way.

   I'm in the checkout isle and the guy behind me is smirking. What I'm buying: Hamster food, prunes, Vaseline and toilet paper. So I mouth 11pm?