Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Face timing people vs seeing them in person during this virus thing is the same as eating pu$$y with a balloon on your tongue.

   “Say hello to my little friend” isn’t threatening. Why would someone be afraid of anyone with their “little friend” hanging out?

   Being a sports store without Nike is like being a gas station without gas.

   My girlfriend says I spend far too much time on foreplay!...so I'd better pull my finger out!

   It's hard to hit on someone when you're holding a bag of dog crap.

   The fastest way to end a perfect family moment is to try to take a picture of it

   Whose job was it to "Wake him up" before they lefy

   For the next Season of Survivor.... call my gun range shooting wife fat!

   *Sitting around camp fire* And when your phone rang, you had no idea who it was *kids get up and run away screaming*

   I've been asked to join the Mossad, they offer great pay and a chance to travel, but I have to get a "procedure" done first.

   After 7 kids I got a vasectomy... Happy Valentines day darling you don't have to get that hysterectomy

   repeatedly being hit on by fat butch lesbos a good thing?

   you are afraid of being judged because of a typo? What a loser. Your comment is worse than the typo.

   just dropped my new single. it's me, i'm single.

   The Patriots have been Decheated by Denver.

   I hear they are running a special on Harambe and noodles at the local Cincinnati China Dragon!

   If you open your iPhone camera when it's reversed, and your own face scares and shames you, it's considered cardio.

   going to be eating chili from my supper bowl, during the super bowl.

   Wake up on a strangers couch...check...use GPS to find out where I am....check ....walk to eat alone....check....return Tyson's Tiger...

   Dear you who is reading this: "Okay, Now lets take a minute to look back! I meant look behind you. Okay now you can look at your screen." -sincerely crazy stalker