Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just watched a guy at Walmart rip off a whole case of Red Bull. I don't know how he can sleep at night.

   In other news… Elon Musk is now going to also buy McDonald's so he can fix all the ice cream machines.

   Happy F@g Month, El Freakos.

   I hate it when homeless people shake their cups of change at me. Like yes, I know you have more money than I do, no need to brag about it.

   Dear Santa: Either you give me what I want for Christmas or I'll turn Rudolph and Comet into a piece of deer jerky. Make it happen, fat man!

   Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?

   I was just on the Weight-Watchers website and it asked me if I would accept cookies. Is that a trick question?

   Spotted a house tonight with their Christmas lights already up in October and can only imagine that they work for Walmart.

   I'd rather see someone kneel for the flag, than deal with cIowns who are offended by jokes.

   How can folks find time to protest and work a job too? Oh yeah, Welfare.

   My husband and dog are a lot alike. They both want what I’m eating and get startled awake by their own stinky farts.

   Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.

   My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”

   It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.

   My husband has finally come out of the closet..... He has been a Carpenters fan since he was 13........

   Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.

   Marriage tip: When you're away from your wife for a night, ignore all of her phone calls. This will cause her to miss you more while you're gone so that she'll love you more when you're home.

   Some older ladies wear red hats and meet to have lunch.

   I improved upon the pizza cutter joke: I lost my pizza cutter so I tried to use an old Rod Stewart CD instead. It worked all right at first, but the plastic edge got dull right away. The first cut was the deepest.

   Put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately started showing pop up ads for duty free liquor.