Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When God created marriage, man said "cool, steady poon" and God replied "right...the yoke's on you..."

   take Johnnie cochran to Florida with you & you could really do anything then.

   If I'm ever on life support and just being kept alive machines, please unplug me and plug me back in. Basically, reboot my body.

   Today is Friday, December 13th. I can't tell you how relieved I am that Christmas isn't on Friday the 13th this year.

   There's a fine line between crazy & free spirited and it's usually a prescription.

   If batman and catwoman had a kid it would be batcat or the less popular manwoman.

   To all the injured rioters out there—might want to apply a little ICE to those wounds!

   I can’t walk on water, but I can stagger on alcohol.

   Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and you can bang his wife every weekend.

   At the age of 101 we discovered two lumps in grandma's breast, we were so relieved the doctors discovered it was just her knees.

   I began to sweat and feel nauseous when I filled up my gas tank today. I must have the Car-Owner virus.

   How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?

   Me and the wife and been going back and forth on our future funeral plans.....My wife and I have different ideas on death. I want to be cremated when I die and she wants to cremate me now.

   I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.

   Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.

   Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.

   I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.

   If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover

   Tornado season is here...In the event of a tornado, put some hotdogs in your pocket. That way the search dogs will find you first.

   Well I guess now we know why DJ Jazzy Jeff left .