Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's not too late to start convincing our grandchildren that the world really did end in 2012 and we're the survivors.

   I put my symptoms into WebMD and found out I've started menopause.

   It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”

   It’s okay to eat your driver’s license even if it’s been expired for a week.

   I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.

   He's Trump, not Moses. He can't part waters. Blaming him for the Texas flooding is complete nonsense.

   No matter where you live, there’s always 1 light switch that doesn’t do anything...

   Dear LGBQTMSNBC freaks. This WOKE nonsense is over. Go seek help, or a hysterectomy. Whichever comes first.

   My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.

   Halloween is like the lifeboats on the Titanic. It's for women and children.

   I wonder how many boyfriends the QAnon Virgin Shaman has in prison so far?

   okes about dyslexia are as easy as A, C, B.

   90% of all electrical vehicles are still on the road today. The other 10% made it all the way home.

   The U.S. uses a 60Hz electrical system. England uses a 50Hz electrical system. This is because the U.S. revolted in 1776.

   Step 1 in a relationahip is to make sure you strike fear in your girl heart. Threaten to hit her. Make her scared of you so she wont cheat

   I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole in my air guitar

   AOC should read Exodus 21: 22-25 in the Bible to show how wrong she really is.

   I am addicted to Cold Turkey. Not sure how I will ever quit.

   Failed Pickup Lines: “Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”

   There's no "I" in "team", but there are two in "failed miserably".