Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do gender reveal parties only surprise you with blue or pink? I've never seen anyone reveal the whole rainbow. Aren't people supposedly "born this way" ?

   One of my daughter's just asked, "What runs in our family?" The only thing I could think of was "mental illness".

   "I'm leaving Twitter" is the new "I'm moving to Canada."

   Disney teaches us to hate stepmothers. PornHub takes a whole different approach.

   I ordered my Biden deck of cards. But it's missing half the deck and the numbers are upside down.

   I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?

   Billion Dollar Idea: Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.

   Strong with this fourth day of may, the force is — Yoda

   Karaoke is that one thing that convinces hundreds of drunk people they can actually sing.

   Seek immediate attention for erections lasting longer than CNN+.

   Can’t believe we don’t have world peace after changing the name on pancake boxes and syrup bottles

   Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.

   I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”

   Now that I’m in my 60’s, I suddenly find that I have a talent for breakdancing!. Every time I try to dance, I break something.

   When you think about it, Mariah Carey and Drew Carey don't even look like sister and brother.

   i think the word "divorce" should be hyphenated so the 2 halves of the word are separated

   Just joined Anonymous Anonymous. This time I'm serious about breaking my addiction to hacking government websites.

   I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.

   If you’re reading this & I’m married to you… I’m locked out. Come let me in.

   If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.