Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i broke 2 mirrors in the same day, so i'm going to assume it's good luck because two negatives make a positive, right?

   4 horrible facts: Today is not Friday. Tomorrow is not Friday. The day after Tomorrow is not Friday. Even the day after that is not Friday.

   Based on my calculations, DIRECTV is gonna be short $4,294,619.62 next year with all these loyalty gifts they're giving away!

   Dog the Bounty Hunter says it's not him. Increases reward to a Million dollars.

   Only supporting the far-rights isn't uniting people. Just saying.

   Episode I of Star Wars is the best of the entire franchise and Jar Jar Binks is probably the greatest character to come from all 6 films

   I loving this calling viruses by races. As long as you leave the whites out of it.

   You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.

   “Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first.”

   I played baseball with a bunch of orphans yesterday. I won, because none of them knew where home was.

   My girlfriend has a gorgeous Duck butt, BUT every time I try and stick it in the wrong hole it screams AFLAC

   One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.

   Hurricanes are wet. Very wet. With lots of wet water. Not many people know that.

   I get my exercise by pushing the limits of those around me.

   I'm sure my neighbors are up to something. Every time I get my binoculars out they close their curtains.

   Dear "60 Minutes": Your stopwatch actually measures 60 seconds. But nice try ;

   OK. Who is the genius who decided to call it "Boob Sweat" and not "Humidtitties"?

   You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff some guys pay money for in later life.

   I hope this blue uniform and walkie talkie doesn't make me look fat - Insecurity guard

   I bet you Trump pronounces the country 'Niger' with an extra "g" in the middle.