Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you drive an old air-cooled Volkswagen a essential oil is dw40.

   Life's short don't throw, I mean scroll, it away!

   Some people say marijuana makes you dumb, but I smoke all the time and my IQ is 420.

   If 007 can sport a romper who are you to judge? Goldfinger & a Romper!

   I have one of the best memories of all time, but I can never remember what I did.

   I love you, #GreenShirtGuy. I'm cracking up with you.

   Clitoris. They even made a whole movie about it - Finding Nimo

   RACCOON: I'm being burglarized 911: can you describe him RACCOON: he's wearing a mask 911: maybe he's your RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband

   Today January 68th or is it the 69th...

   Still haven't used a package of Willow brand toilet paper I scored as I just love the name Willow, thats like Wilson but softer, longer-lasting, more essential.

   My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.

   Wayfair is awesome. Not only will I save space with my new Springboro storage cabinet, I'll also qualify for an additional child tax credit next year.

   In ancient greece, throwing an apple at a woman , was considered a MARRIAGE PROPOSAL.......Still it is on.......Throw an Apple iPhone 8 & she will definitely say YES

   My wife is so bad at housekeeping, that our dog buries his bones in our carpet.

   Bose is a Bengali Stereo type.

   Wondering why people who are in Love would want to re-arrange the alphabets "I" and "U" to express their feelings, honestly I don't see a valid reason of doing that whatsoever

   Everyone thinks I dodged a bullet, but I think I shot the gun .

   my car has air conditioning

   Happy 32nd birthday to "Top Gun". need4speed

   my mum always told me never to call it quits...but I rebelled so I just gave my son the name "quits"