Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People are insane psychiatric wards are nice really cool jackets that make you hug yourself and they tell you your special.

   if you use your x-box to workout, you realize your house smells like a$$, don't you??

   Felt I was deralict in my fatherly dutties...so I taught James the 'milk milk lemonadej childhood diddy....which he LOVED I might add.....

   3 Things I Learned Tonight: 1)It's not what you know, it's what you show. 2)If Swingers twice your age try to engage, just SLIDE away! 2.5) Especially if they mention "lube"...that's when you put on the BRAKES! 3) Samuel L Jackson is a DAMN good whistler!

   I love when my husband plays terrorist, he knocks down my walls

   You dumb ass!!! My intelligence is your common sense... Wait! What? 0_o

   so broke right now, he has been using used tissues as toilet paper...and sometimes vice versa.

   March isn't the only thing that comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb.

   Here comes the New Pope! Popeye The Sailor!!!

   I dont like to flip the bird to anyone espcially first thing in the morning, but being constantly honked at when I CANT go anywhere make's me want to do just that!!!

   Mark Zukerberg getting married already cost him a fortune......

   whats the deal with that Papa Johns dude and his long pauses???

   If anyone secretly videotaped me yesterday go to 5:22:16. It's me trying to put on jeans after a massage

   If your turds aren't green tomorrow then you're doing it wrong today...

   Let's start checking & accounting accounts together. Ha, Right!

   went to doctor yesterday. the nurse had to stick me with the needle 5 times...with that much poking was they being a nurse or a facebook friend?

   I am Happy my kids are older now. But I do miss running around all night in the Pink Bunny Suit from the Christmas Story on Easter Eve.

   Guys, if I'm singing a show tune with my pants around my ankles, that means I'm occupying at least three urinals, okay? Don't be creepy!

   "For the love of honey!" - Grizzly bear

   "We should mate" "WHAT!?" "I said date, we should date sometime, ya know just the 2 of us.