Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Its beginning to look a lot like, I'm starting to get sick and tiered of it being cold and miserable out and I'm ready for summer!

   Shoutout to all my friends who never liked comment or say anything on Facebook, You're my heroes! But if you could do me a little favor and like this one status so I know you're still alive out and actually give a damn what I post that would be awesome.

   If you love Christmas so much, why don't you marry it, Eve? What I'm trying to say is: Merry Christmas Eve.

   Why is the devil 😈 tryin to be my bff?…

   When preparing cereal, why not throw on some limes’s and pickles for that rich fruit and pickely flavor burst.

   I took my dog for a bike ride today . . . it's a two-seater and he pedaled as well as I did.

   Little girl was crying and told me she was lost. "You're at City Park, kid."

   If undercover boss came to my work I'd play stupid and give them the biggest sob story too and bank

   Don't trust people who speak too fast. Trust me on this.

   So like, this baby mosquito flew for the first time and when he got home his Mom said "How did it go?" and the baby mosquito said "Pretty good I guess. Everybody was clapping for me."

   Notice the subliminal message in the Wendy's commercial her necklace reads mom.

   I've kicked Stormy Daniels out of bed more times than I can remember.

   Gone with the Wind in 60 Seconds #2FilmsBecome1

   So broke this year that i'm having a Thanksgiving Chicken instead...

   Just once I'd like someone to say to me "sheesh your girl's hot as sh1t."

   One Christmas eve, Santa was under a lot of stress. When an angel walk in with a tree and ask what he should do with the tree was how the tradition got started.

   So studies now show pot isn't as good for you as people thought. You can drop dead from smoking a Joint. Hell of a way to meet Bob Marley.

   With Valentine's Day just around the corner if you're secretly in love with me and would like a candlelit dinner with flowers and candy, it's to late shell out all that money, but talk to me talk on the 15th and maybe next year.

   Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids

   Nice catch peyton