Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.

   Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?

   I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.

   I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.

   Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.

   There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.

   Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.

   Rudy: "Put up or shut up." That's good advice, that he needs to follow.

   Why is a person who came in second place in a race be the winner.

   What did the one tampon say to the other? Nothing, they where stuck up c*nts.

   "May the 4th" be with you!

   Women are evil!! Any animal that bleeds for three or four days and doesn't die has got to be demon spawn!!

   Love does not fade with time, shape, weight, looks and bank balance; It's your own damn fault that you’re Jobless.

   127.0.0.1 I wish I was with you right now and not at work. I would love to crawl in your nice warm bed and snuggle under the covers.

   The North Korean President is just meeting with the US President..He suddenly stood up and said . I Don't need this Crap.. .I'm going to the bathroom for a Trump...

   Someone threw a bottle of Mayo at me...I was like "What the Hellmann"...!!!

   Well, Israel sure lost the last few people in America that still supported that terrorist country

   Word on the street is, Cookie Monster has tested positive for COVID. It's the Om nom nom nomicron variant.

   I love the three little pigs; Bacon, Ham, and Sausage!

   Some of your behaviour is completely embarrassing but highly entertaining. Carry on.