Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Might name my kid puberty, so everyone can hit puberty

   In other news, Paula Deen has come forward with the statement in regards to the DI heard Paula Deen said she's "real excited for the fags, especially the colored ones."DOMA ruling: "real excited for the fags, especially the colored ones."

   I found something hard in my vegetable soup last night......It was only the wheelchair

   Whenever a bird sh*ts on my car, I eat a plate full of scrambled eggs on my front porch just to send out a warning of what I'm capable of!!!

   has a camera, a wire coathanger and some baby oil and is bored so might try doing a colonoscopy on himself

   chuck you farley, you ain't so mucking futch, your whole fam damily can go in your own jack yard and back off!

   If our body temperature is normally 98.6 degrees, how come when it's 98 degrees outside, no one is comfortable?

   You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.

   “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.”

   s a there a tax I can pay to end Covid-19 or does that only work with Climate Change?

   You know it's going to be a crappy day when it starts with sneezing while brushing your teeth.

   He promised us he'll be back in office on August 13th. I have a feeling this won't be a white lie, but an orange lie.

   I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”

   Santa Clause said to support gays. Now what am I gonna do? My two favorite omni-present imaginary dieties are contradicting eachother!

   I don't think I can name one unemployed coal miner who has gotten a job in the last 10 months.

   A new study found that drinking pop is just as bad for your teeth as using meth. However, pop is still less likely to make you live under a bridge with a guy named Snake.

   A big nose is no excuse to not wear a mask. I still wear pants.

   I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack

   Spent the entire night trying to create a website for women drivers, but it kept crashing..

   No surprise Penn State is in the bad news category again, they are a conservative school. Smh.....