Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Serious fight has started in Olympics .... as a brazilian girl found her missing hair on a Nigerian Lady

   Whenever I return a book to the library,,, I leave a bookmark on the last page & yell "SORRY, I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO REWIND IT!" then run away..

   Just had a dream in 3D! You think that was cool?! Damn that was one freaky dream!

   there is nothing worse than a woman coming up with a nickname for your junk, getting confused and calling it Dad.

   This year I'm giving my girl the best Christmas gift ever. Anybody got any tips on how to wrap your b@lls?

   So I order the Country ham omelet. It was disgusting to say the least. I asked where they get it. She goes, "Yemen."

   The IRS is in trouble for using $60,000 of taxpayer money to produce training video spoofs of "Star Trek" and "Gilligan's Island". I find that, "HIGHLY ILLOGICAL...." (Spock's voice) "....SKIPPPPEEERRRRR!!!!!" (Gilligan's voice)

   Sitting on the couch eating graham crackers and just remembered I forgot to flush the toilet upstairs.

   If I die in a bar, please drag my body to the nearest church before reporting my death.

   Oops…last night this questionable girl asked me to go down on her but her offer seemed a little fishy…

   I will never ever take my Black ass cave exploring. I watched The Descent.

   Always make love with your eyes open, and never forget to use your tongue when you kiss.

   I prefer to have s€x in the dark not because I'm afraid to see bodily imperfections. It's because I don't want to see her nose hairs.

   Does it really matter if Christ was a dark skinned man?

   giving the recent plane accident, I bet now Mitt Romney realizes why the plane windows stay closed

   "I've lost my contacts" is the new "I've got a new phone."

   White Americans killing off other Americans is a psychological issue, not an ideological one.

   Financial status: Hanging out in front of my favorite restaurant kissing anyone who has food around their mouth and in their teeth.

   One sneaky missle attack on copa cabana beach now and the Falklands is maintenance free forever

   Since it was on of the most popular apps download and played in 2013.......Anyone knows when Candy Crush is sending us our W-2's???