Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my girlfriend told me she’s leaving me because of my Justin Beiber obsession, I responded “sorry, what do you mean?”

   "Yo fat man those new suspenders is TIGHT!"~ All my Knickers and my Britches

   Hey girl, are you Pepsi? Because you're always my second option.

   Gary Kubiak even fainted after that overturn...

   Guys: I like you Girls: What does that mean? Who else have you said that to? Put a baby in me. Women: Thanks

   Scientists discovered that an object does not really become smaller when the distance to the beholder increases.

   Civilian justice: just saw a beautiful female cop make an illegal lane change, so I pulled her over and threw her in my dungeon.

   While attempting to pick up broads in the supermarket it helps to pose as a pharmacist with a banana in your pants

   it still consensual if she agrees not to call the cops?

   I can't wait until I'm old enough to get my own zombie .......a lot of people at the retirement home have walkers

   When India travel, the short ball is always expected to be a factor. Not when they bowl, though. Not until today. #engvind#cricket

   why do blind people smile?

   Oh no, you're not going to try and cheer me up, are you?

   30 minutes till the Walking Dead!

   Shower together because everyone likes to having their back washed.Just remember where the wall is in case you drop the soap.

   I have the heart of a child. It's in a jar of formaldehyde and locked in my basement.

   If I hit my breaks hard, automatically let the hazard lights go off! - future car makers!!

   price of the most expensive premium gas on 4/16/2012 - California: $4.472 per gallon ************* price of the CHEAPEST gas (natural 95) in Europe: 1.6 EUR per liter = 3.785 EUR per gallon = $5.00 per gallon....... who should be complaining now?

   I didn't get any sleep! I'm so tired I could sleep with a horse... wait

   TGIF - Thank Goose It's Friday