Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   she took off her sock & it looked like a pack of black & mild

   They Always Say...Stand & March For What You Believe In... I Do!!! Everytime I Believe I will Have another Beer, I Stand and March To The Fridge!

   Everytime a congressman gets up to clap, he thanks the lord for baby powder.

   You had me at "Hello".... and then lost me when you kept talking instead of dropping to your knees.

   Need a half hour f quiet time? Ask her fo a selfie.

   if Taylor Swift has sung Nasty Funk by Robbie Glover she'd have still managed to make it depressing

   If you're a woman that plans on visiting Halas Hall later this year, I suggest you use the stairs

   wondering if he can claim Johnny Walker as a dependent.

   Yea i've climbed mountains before [checking my reflection in a butter knife] mountains of babes

   Help I don't know what to do I just learn my Bathroom is used by Males and Females so guess its a Transgender Bathroom. Do I boycott it?

   So, I wonder if Jerry Sandusky has room in his cell for Dennis Hastert?

   thanks to the awesome foreign policy you have created an endless wave of turmôil in Mid East. Thanks morica for playing divide and rule for cheap oîl

   I may be her Teddy bear, but remember I'm still a bear .

   I haven't had a drink all year! Unless you count those after midnight last night...

   would probably be classified as a lesbian if it was only based on how much you enjoy eating muffins and cookies.

   a fun afternoon planned. Will be playing "Duck, duck, goose" with actual ducks and geese followed by few games of Chinese Checkers against actual Chinese people.

   Subway is not the only one being sued for lying about their length......

   So he's not lame? I think you're both lame!

   I don't have issues... I have an entire subcription... jest sayin

   I don't know much about art, but my favorite pictures have a man’s junk drawn on them...