Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To be fair when I was younger I didn't really understand the difference between England and the United Kingdom. I was 12. I wasn't running a country.

   Excuse me dear, but don't you have a date with a coma?

   We men love two women; the one is the creation of our imagination and the other is not yet born.

   Who need's a spouse when you have the Facebook?

   a girlfriend someone I'm supposed to like or not? I forget how this works.

   So Mimi is hanging from shower curtains trying to out do Kim Kardashian?

   Meanwhile in a Galaxy Far, Far Away... I meant a Soundstage in London, Harrison Ford's Ankle is broken by the hydraulics that control a door in the making of the next Star Wars movie.

   •••note to self•••- Remember to take half pack of M&Ms out of pocket before washing and drying said pants.

   How much for the license to kill? Ma'am, thats a marriage certificate.

   Alarm clock alarms in the morning!!! Scolari's wife: Sir wake up it is 7. Scolari: Ohhhh, have they scored another one!!!!!

   "I don't know what youre talking about, he's nice to me" - somebody in the eraly 1940s Germany, talking about Hitler.

   Explain the rise and fall of the Roman empire. Use both sides of paper if necessary.

   Ladies, your football knowledge is about the same as my interior design knowledge. Give it up...

   Fellas, when she babbles on passionately about nothing, pay attention as closely as if she were stark naked, and soon, she just might be.

   Can I tell you something about apricots? ... 1 in 30 is a good one. It's such a low percentage fruit.

   Drunk Cow Tipping: get drunk and Tipsy with a cow.

   If Macaulay culkin in home alone would've tried or said half the stuff to his parents in my house that movie would've never aired

   The forecast for Sunday's Super Bowl has improved in the last week. It's expected to be in the mid-30s with winds of only 6 miles an hour. That's a good temperature for New Jersey. It's above freezing but not so warm that you can smell the bodies in the s

   it's such a turn on when my bf can take my bra off with one hand..

   TV a silent weapon. It's the downfall ofsociety as we know it.