Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I credit my dad for my sense of humor..... Oh,. She's funny, too?.......... Ummm,,No......

   New Neighborhood Game: Passively aggressively cut your lawn two inches shorter than your neighbors until you reach dirt.

   waiting for the light too go off

   I really need to stop checking every five mins to see if my Facebook movie is on Rotten Tomatos yet.

   The hardest thing I've ever done is uninstall Dota 2!

   The Dog Whisperer has been whispering death threats into my dog's ear

   The only drunk phone call I wanna make this Tuesday night, is for tacos.

   geta Life opinions can be hilarious. Like thinking yours is going to stop us.

   The flowers are blooming. The grass is green. The popcorn is ready. Baseball is back. Another excuse to drink more beer....

   You wanna know how my day's going? I have a convertible and a bird, well, you know the rest.......................

   the brain controls body movement....i just picked up my drink with my hands therefore I used my mind to do it....i have magic powers

   I'll wait, gain your trust and strike when you least expect it by taking the leftover beer I brought, home with me.

   Im convinced that the Galaxy Note 2 is for basketball players

   anybody want to LARP with me?

   Gotta admire the people that get in shape for nothing

   Wearing a sweater that's not fully dry; why don't you tell me how your morning's going so I can feel better about my life choices.

   Te'o hasn't been missing tackles, just hugging his girlfriend...

   i hear liquor stores have started selling hand sanitizer in the cold section with the beer.

   udge if you must but I always wanted an Easy Bake Oven as a kid and earlier this morning.

   The higher the monkey goes up the poll, the more you see of the monkey's butt.