Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.

   This morning I removed my sleep shorts and put on my boxer shorts and then put on a pair of normal shorts. Worst short story ever...

   Rand Paul has been tested positive for Coronavirus. Yes!!!! Thank you lord! Thank you Jesus Christ!

   They say vapor-rub is good for a stomach ache.. but I think it tastes terrible.. and it gave me diarhrea...

   Being in a relationship is solving problems together; Problems you wouldn't have if you were single.

   Took some kids to Disneyland and overheard a 13 year old boy wondering if he may be pansexual since he loves skillets,” The movie "Idiocracy" had nothing on this woke society

   My home security system is a series of paintings on the wall with the eyes cut out.

   Dear God, I could have wished a happy Father's day but decided against it considering how an absent, unaring and neglecting dead-beat dad you have been. I bet Kanye West would make a better father than you.

   had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before

   You know All my life I’ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.

   Where’s a careening bus when you need it?

   A vessel that didn't undergo a certification process, had issues on all of its previous dives, and was operated utilizing an aftermarket video game controller. What could possibly go wrong?

   how.... how do you get sold out... of having no mayo????

   Darn it's cold outside!.....which I just thought I'd post for those of you who haven't been outside lately.

   STACY mom, wife, teacher. Also a lying actress.

   I'm not trying to talk out of turn or anything here about the coronavirus BUT, have they tried it with a lime?

   Found a great feature Facebook's has that helps you lower your fears is about the coronavirus you can find them to settings then scrolling down to where it says log out.

   Thanks for the post!

   List ten jobs. Nine should be jobs you have actually done. One should be a lie. Let's see if people can guess the fib! My list is below: 1. Waitress 2. Bartender 3. Video Store Clerk 4. Payroll Acct 5.Factory Line Worker 6. Auto Parts Manager 7. Chef 8.

   I am so tired of this virus I'm gonna ask my wife if that offer to smack me all the way into next year is still on the table.