Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I had to describe myself in one word it would be “doesn’t know how to follow directions.”

   That old pervert is gone

   There is no I in TEAM. But if you rearrange the letters there is a ME.

   Believe it or not. Gerge isn't at home.

   this monkeys wings aren't real!!! That guy screwed me, these aren't flying monkeys at all!!!!

   must save their Midevil babes from the evil "robot-us'es" and win the Battle of the Bands. The future of the world depends on it!

   a 77 year old Miami man dies of hypothermia for the first time ever. UPDATE: 1 million senior citizens piled up on rafts floating to Cuba .

   Elementary math problems are 2 sided, "If I had 10 chocolate bars and I ate 9 of them, what would I have now?'" Oh, I don't know.. 1 big belly ache?!."

   Ladies marry the guy who comes to drop you all the way to your house in his PETROL car with the AC on

   Relationships must be chosen wisely. It's better to be alone than to be in bad company. If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason.'Fall in love when you're ready,not when you're

   I forgot what cinco de mayo was about. It was when a ship full of mayonnaise sunk off the mexican coast right?

   WTF...It should be illegally for a woman to have a nice ass body with a Not so nice face... Its like when GOD was creating her he thought too himself, "You know what would be real funny...." #Mr.Brown

   3 grand for a jacuzzi eff that give me some beans and some bathwater and i'll make one for a dollar

   Do white women really not know that their hair is in their mouth?

   Sorry about that - Today I went to the post office to mail 20 letters... so I bought 20 stamps...and the clerk just handed them to me. So I said "Am I supposed to stick all these on myself?"...and she said "No. Stick them on the envelopes.."

   Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?

   Hello 911?,,, I need to report a kidnapping....yeah, there's a baby goat asleep in my lap,,. No, don't send cops,, you'll wake him up

   Women with facial hair, can y'all please stop buying all the freakin Schick razor blades!!! Those are not MADE FOR Y'ALL!!!!   

   The police came by to tell me that my dogs have been chasing people on bicycles. I said, “My dogs don’t even own bicycles!”

   Kanye West is bankrupt and wants to run for President in 2020, he'll a better candidate than Trump is with four bankruptcies.