Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Watching Steel Magnolias. I wish Julia Roberts could have died more.

   Maybe the guy who switched from Verizon to Sprint can afford some braces for his bear trap now!

   I'm going to my girlfriend's house to make mad, passionate love to her. Then have her fix us something to eat. That's what's meant by bed and breakfast, right?

   I have a confession to make. When I was 9, I'd lick my arm and smell it.

   Walking In a Winter Wonderland" is a great Christmas song for Southerners to keep in mind since they don't know how to drive in it.

   To all my secret admirers. With Valentine's Day just around the corner if you'd like some candy and flowers it's too expensive for you to reveal yourself now, but maybe next year!

   If you want to know why Paul McCartney never invited Ringo to dinner, he wouldn't share the drumsticks.

   why do people w glasses look like the cutest baby hamsters when they take them off

   Oh crap. I just realized that I'm ugly naked guy from Friends.

   Life is little more than a constant stream of boredom, pain and suffering.

   your first Baby's father doesnt count. that was just checking if you can have kids

   You still talk to your ex? I call BS on that!

   I think it's isensitive for Batman movies to be rated PG

   When I die, I wanna die like my grandpa, peacefully in my sleep... not yelling and screaming like the passengers he was driving around

   The difference between carbon monoxie and my wife is..... Carbon monoxie is a silent killer.

   Can someone NOT on welfare lend me their social insurance number so I can get a little extra income, I'll go splits with ya

   9 more days till the beginning of the end.

   Do you work on computers , cause your D**k is Micro and soft .

   Watching MTV Cribs makes me feel better about downloading music off the internet. Funny 8 Insightful 0 WTF? 3 GTFO! 1

   Just because I own a few acres of land, I'm always getting calls from timber companies. I wish others were this interested in my wood.