Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Played “Big Pimpin” when I saw the Jay-Z's at Toy R Us yesterday. It was worth the a$$ whipping!!

   Dating was never my strong point because I've always been really good at getting laid.

   Hey Jasper, creative genius from the Snapple half and half commercial... I'm pretty sure Arnold Palmer was slightly ahead of your "discovery"

   I'm an experienced drunk texter/facebooker. I keep my mouth shut

   Sometimes I don't know what I'd do w/o Netflix on nights I don't go out to the bars and party.... probably go out to the bars and party."

   You are so sweet I have a crush on you... Oops! its just me thinking out loud while playing candy crush....

   thats what I like the most about you..the way you constantly enter and exit my life..

   For the ladies who have walking naked the whole year, tomorrow is your last day to get some decent clothes.

   Look dude, take back what you said about Dragonball Z so I don't have to go Super Saiyan on your ass.

   I watched 5 minutes of baseball earlier. As soon as I realized it wasn't Bull Durham, I changed channels.

   On Thanksgiving day, let us all be thanksful that we were not born as turkeys.

   How can he be full of crap if he needs to flush his toilet 10 times when he done crapping?

   Why are all these farmers committing suicide in the midwest area? This is sad.

   My neighbor's daughter came up to me and asked, "Do you know you have a skeleton inside you?" I said, "Yes, Rebecca. I do!" She goes, "Is he mean?"

   Some of you females will never be half the women your dad was..

   if the brown delivery truck is UPS,why doesnt FEDEX change their name to DOWNS since they are their opposing company?

   [ordering from the dollar menu] me: hi i'll have 7 dollars please

   Strike fear into your bowling opponents by drinking three Red Bulls and trying to shove a bowling pin up your butt.

   Dod you know, Clinton's yoga emails are code for how she got Nickelback's ancestors together on the Titanic lifeboat.

   Couples who smoke cigs together is like so Romeo & Juliet.