Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Had a few laughs with the boss today. I still hate is guts though.

   Two yrs ago I weighed 251lbs. Today I weigh 250 1/2 lbs. SO YES! Hard work makes dreams come true, folks.

   As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.

   It's so cold now, when I turn on Netflix I call it "Netflix & get chilled"

   NO I'm not lazy, I'm just laying like this until planking makes a comeback.

   Have a (cough cough) happy(cough cough) 420 (cough cough) everone

   Score steam: The steam on a lucky teenage boy's car windows

   It's so hot that I've been sweating more than a drug smuggler going through coustoms.

   Men.... Try role reversal in bed with your wife. And you have the headache for once.

   "Read a weather book about rainbows called Rainbows by Sunny Showers."

   Scary movie called the Nun is coming out. Nun of the movie is scarier than the previous movie The Priest

   What does it mean when you drink an entire bottle of gin by yourself?

   I went to my local library yesterday, and asked: “Have you got a book on handling rejection without killing?”

   “Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.

   If you have 12 followers on Instagram, you’re unpopular. If you have 12 followers in real life, you’re the messiah.

   To make you feel better if you're single this Valentine's Day just remember, Saint Valentine was imprisoned then beat to death with a club.

   Selling homing pigeons is a lucrative, and well return business.

   Happy singles awareness day everyone!

   Her: I love the picture of you in your bedroom. Me: It's IKEA. Her: You did a great job picking it all out! Me: No, I took that picture in IKEA.

   I saved 15 per cent on my insurance by switching to haiku.