Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After spending 20 minutes trying to get her bra off, I decided to give up. I wish I'd never put it on now...!

   If she witnessed you pull start the lawn mower in one go, she's already pregnant

   Once you mine you ain't leaving, welcome to death row

   Him: Can make a 45$ guitar sound like a 6000 dollar guitar Me: Can make a 6000$ guitar sound like a 1$ toy guitar

   Can’t figure out if every piano ends up being free or if it’s just the same piano that everyone passes around for free on Facebook Marketplace... 😐

   Which Thanksgiving Day parade doesn't have Jimmy Fallon hot-dogging all over the place? Asking for a frien ... me.

   I hope Mariah Carey getting some good rest today cause it’s game time at midnight.

   There's no way I'm ever eating Thanksgiving leftovers again straight out of the fridge. Yes, that's right. I quit cold turkey.

   I listened to today's music. It's nothing more than computer generated sampled effects and pieced together bit by bit blurbs of insincerity with auto-tuned vocals. Might as well listen to a power point presentation.

   Choked eating peach cobbler today, nipples got hard. Worried about myself.

   I've done the calculations. So far this year I've saved just short of $3600 from not having to buy Movie theatre Popcorn. I hope they don't have to raise the prices in 2021.

   Tryna see how I’m finna split 8$ between 17 people for Christmas 🥴..

   I can't believe some people's survival instincts told them to grab toilet paper.

   If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.

   If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.

   Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.

   My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.

   ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile* “And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!” ~ Karma Chameleon

   Her: You don't make me cum. Me: You don't make me cum either. It's the sick, twisted thoughts in my head that make me cum. You're just the receptacle I shoot it into.

   Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.