Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m so lucky my husband invested $100,000 in a mask company right before the pandemic. I mean it was a Halloween mask company but still…

   To whom it may concern, If you are reading this, that means there’s nothing you can do about it now.

   My phone autocorrected the word ”never” to ”beef feet.” Yes, phone, ”beef feet” is what I meant. ”Beef feet” say die.

   Baker: Is there a problem? Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!

   There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.

   Husband: We need to stop spending so much money. Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.

   My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.

   The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit Me: new boat The wife: lower sky

   Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher

   1965~ Wow Cher looks good 1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good 1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good 2020 ~Wow Cher looks good 3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good

   As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.

   Well it’s that time of the year to go outside and pretend to put up the Christmas lights I never took down from last year.

   Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk

   Penicillin led to the decline of western syphilization.

   Your mindset is everything. You can have it all and still be unhappy, or you can have nothing and still manage to be happy.

   For all my friends that have had to work from home since the lockdowns I bet you haven't once reheated fish in your own home.

   Believe in God like y’all believe in that Toilet paper and y’all will be Ok..🤧

   2020 is what happens when you mix tarot cards with cards against humanity.

   People under the age of 30 have never listened to a record, so if you say "I don't want to sound like a broken record," they don't know what that means, they don't know what that means, they don't know what that means, they don't know what that means.

   Do men ever make a Honey-Do list for their wives? Write a bunch of things for her to do on a piece of paper, hand it to her and say "Here, get this stuff done." Let me know how that works out for you.