Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os

   Had too much to think last night

   I have sychic powers. For example, right now you’re thinking, “it’s psychic.”

   I slept like a log, which means my underside was moist and bugs kept crawling up my crack.

   all I wanna do is [gunshot noise] [gunshot noise] [gunshot noise] [gunshot noise] [gunshot noise] move to a safer neighborhood

   Mother Nature gave man a set of balls solely to propagate the species. God gave man a set of balls solely for scratching.

   Don't be like a Pilgrim this Thanksgiving going around spreading disease.

   I can predict the future, for example, sıɥʇ pɐǝɹ oʇ sʎɐʍǝpıs pɐǝɥ ɹnoʎ uɹnʇ pןnoʍ noʎ ʍǝuʞ I

   Telling people "Don't go out and by up all the toilet paper" will cause people to go out and by up all the toilet paper.

   CNN, CBS, ABC, NBC News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.

   I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.

   Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way

   Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!

   You know you having a bad day when every good lawyer you have quits and all you have left is a guy who got tricked by Borat.

   Just saw a chick sitting on the tip of a fire hydrant. That image gave me a whole new meaning of W.A.P!

   She is like a low profile tire, sexy, but gonna cost you a bunch of money.

   Face tattoos should come with a mandatory monitoring device on their ankle...

   My philosophy? People who have creepy dungeons probably don't wear a watch. So, when a stranger asks for the time, I pepper spray them.

   Could it be I'm already thinking about my Thanksgiving dinner? Because it appears to me that Rudy is sweating gravy...

   To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.