Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tortilla paper. When everyone buys out all the toilet paper again, I’ll be using expired tortillas.

   Years ago, I was all set to marry the man of my dreams. On the day we were supposed to elope, he didn’t show up. It took me a year or two to accept he didn’t marry me because he didn’t know I existed, I was 13 and he was Sam Elliot ;-)

   The truth is like a lion. You don't have to defend it. Let it loose. It will defend itself.

   If you think a college education isn't worth the money, I'm here to tell you that whenever I say something stupid, I can get out of trouble by saying, "Sorry, I was an art major."

   I'm looking at the bright side of having 10 people or less over for Thanksgiving. More turkey for me!

   Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.

   If rubbing toast crumbs off your face counts as exfoliating, then yes, I exfoliate every day.

   *reading the nutrition facts of a cookie* me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein

   I’d be so lost without a sense of humor I don’t know how most of you do it

   If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first

   my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code. nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end

   Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling* Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe

   If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now

   I don’t wish death on anyone, but I do wish malicious glitter on many.

   sometimes when cartoons are playing other cartoons’ skeletons like a xylophone, the same rib makes two different sounds

   Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark. Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?

   Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

   Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort

   Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.

   Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.