Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

   Please don't Facebook and drive! And if you have to update your status just do like I do and pull over to the side of the road, which is where I've been sitting since ever since I signed up with Facebook in 2014.

   What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski m

   Having one of those awkward moments when you're not looking at Facebook and you're crazy Facebook stalker finds you on YouTube :/

   Now that it's New Year's eve I expect big big changes tomorrow!

   With a self driving truck on the way, eventually there will a Country and Western song about it leaving you too.

   Anyone remember a time before Facebook when you how to get your selfies developed then go around to all your friends houses to see if they liked them? Yeah neither do I.

   I have a hug for whoever needs one....um I mean virtual hug as I'm practice the 6 foot rule.

   If you're low on TP, just take a bunch of anti-diarrhea medicine. Problem solved!

   I've been working a side hustle delivering for restaurants and so far as I can tell, those X-rated movies are bull crap.

   Coronavirus is like a Thanos you can't see

   n't Coors Light a redundancy?

   Peppa Pig's Daddy: " No, kids, I never porked Mommy. That'd be redundant."

   I miss the old everybody. Ain't nobody the same no more.

   Running out of ideas for entertainment. Thinking about asking the neighborhood to gather in the street 6' apart and do the Hokey Pokey. After all, that is what it's all about.

   After the coronavirus passed I'm going to be in need a facebookers anonymous meeting.

   The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.

   Thanks to Maury I've only had to buy one Mother's Day gift for several years.

   New drinking game! Have to drink every time Wolf Blitzer says "Votes"

   A recent survey shows men lie more than women. How do we know they were telling the truth though?