Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve

   72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.

   Fill in a gap in your résumé with “Haunting a lighthouse.” They can’t check.

   Anybody else feel that their calculator history is more embarrassing then their browsing history?

   Those who want the minimum wage set to $15 an hour; calling it a living wage are clueless. How about a living education? If you're 30 and making fries for a living, don't expect me to subsidize your poor life choices.

   If I don't get my way, I'm going in with my lawyers...wahhhhhh!!!! I'm such a great role model.

   Fauci spent 50 years of his life studying viruses, just so he could trick rednecks into wearing paper masks. That was his career goal all along. Don't believe anything else.

   To help curve the Coronavirus I've only hung out with three of my Facebook friends all year, just like last year.

   Maybe snow kills COVID. You don’t know!

   Anyone going early Black Friday shopping after the elections?

   The average Apple employee works 6 hours a day longer than an Apple battery.

   My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house …without stopping.

   I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?

   Rememeber your vote does not count if you do not post it on social media.

   The mandatory mask rules are preventing fire breathing dragons from defending themselves. Please vote Pro-Dragon.

   Amazon would have delivered these ballots in 2 days.

   If your election lasts more than 4 days you should consult a physician.

   If I'm winning, stop the count. If I'm losing, Keep counting until I win. Makes sense, don't ya think?

   Coronavirus be like: "Fine, you don't want to believe in me? I'll teach you a lesson by removing your current president. That'll learn ya!"

   It looks like the same people who hate science are also hating math now.