Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I really hope I live to see my funeral

   There is a chalk outline being drawn around common sense, and most people cannot even identify the victim

   I feel sorry for Justin Bieber, everyone picks on her.

   thinks McDonald's should start selling a deep fried pickle covered in batter. They can call it the McDillDough.

   Thanks to all my FB Friends, for once again, reminding me it's Friday. This is also FB Spring Cleaning Weekend. Time to remove all the apps, polls, fan pages, pictures and friends you just don't need or want anymore.

   says Once a cobra bit Bear Grylls' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

   it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

   When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

   I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

   I saw the commercial for Southwest that advertized "Bags Fly Free" and I thought it said "Fags Fly Free". I got sooo excited for a minute!

   The Dude abides. I don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Dude. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners.

   Rain with sunshine today... the devil must be beating his wife.

   In it's purest sense, redistribution of wealth is when I buy dogfood, feed it to my dogs, and they sh#t it out all over my yard...

   saw a man get out of his convertible at Wal-Mart yesterday, take two steps and then turn back to lock the doors. I chuckled because the top was down.

   Mother rabbit to baby bunny: "A magician pulled you out of a hat. Now stop asking questions."

   Reasoning Behind Most Comments to A Woman's Photos: 75%-Looks, 20%-Talent, 5%- REAL Talent.

   When you r right no one remembers... But When you r wrong no one forgets..!

   Rated R for disturbing violent content, language and some nudity

   has decided that instead of flipping off these idiot drivers I'm just going to blow them a kiss instead.

   So I just went shopping for a night stand. the chick tried to sell me two. I was like I only need one . She didnt get it. So I asked her out.