Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What do you do if your about to die in front of a candy store? Eat a life saver :)

   i feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket orrrrr something!!!!

   I told my wife I wanted breakfast in bed in the morning. She said go sleep in the kitchen.

   you spin my head right round, right round..but thats a good thing, it was outta wack from checking out that guy ;)

   Today, I went to meet a girl I met on facebook. When I met her, I was shocked to see that her actual appearance didn't match that of her facebook pic. The words "Stock Photo" weren't even written on her Forehead.

   I wish the government would takeover all the Farmville land and sell it off Facebook to pay down the national debt

   Watagatapitusberry!

   can't seem to remember to forget you

   turning japanese

   have you ever slept so good you couldn't wait to do it again as soon as you woke up?

   If I had a kid at 16 I'd get my A$$ whooped, not a TV show.

   Your mama's so stupid, she took a ruler to bed just to measure how long she slept.

   MoooooooM tell Boredom to leave me the F#ck Alone!!!!!!

   £1|{3 0h m¥ 90Ð (4n ¥0µ $p34|{ 3n9£1$h

   brought sexy back. I was charged a 10% restocking fee.

   dirty litte mind is on Active Duty today

   I Dont Care If You're A Gangster, Pull Up Your Pants Please!

   --- I hate farmers, the're always spreading sh*t

   People reckon I'm too patronising (that means I treat them as if they're stupid).

   heard that Tiger Woods just sent Jesse James a Thank You note... and a bottle of penecillen.