Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   moving to the country and gonna eat me a lot of peaches

   How many mimes have died because no one believed they were choking..

   just realized that you are supposed to urinate on jellyfish stings......not jellyroll stains....sorry fat stranger!!!

   My girlfriend has a cracking body. .... I think it's eczema.

   thinks his disco stick is available for riding on but is not 100% sure what a disco stick even is

   REALLY annoyed. I got asked to leave the supermarket for doing what one of their supid signs said: "Wet Floor." Bunch of retards.

   The cops came to my house earlier, claiming that my dog had chased someone on a bike. I said "Piss off, my dog doesn't have a bike!"

   Police Station toilet stolen - Cops have nothing to go on.

   500 years ago when men went to war it was common for them to force their wives to wear chastity belts while they were away.Therfore only a locksmith could remove these chastity belts. This explains why 'Smith' is the most common name in the phonebook...

   If you think things improve with age, attend a class reunion.

   Ahhhhhh. I love SPRING! Bright sunshine, slight breeze, about 70 degrees, and I am inside telling you people about it! See how much I care?

   going to heckle Tiger Woods at The Masters by throwing a box of condoms at him

   My wife said to me, "I'm fed up with you being so lazy, pack your bags and leave." I said, "You pack them."

   Found out today that you're supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jellyroll stain. Sorry, fat stranger.

   If you were a birdwatcher, would you prefer a Swift or Swallow?

   took my son for his swimming lesson and he said `i need a wee` , I said after looking around `sssshhhhh just do it in the water` .... and he did , trouble is he was standing at the pools edge !!

   just went to the book store to buy a wheres wally book. when I got there I couldn't find him anywhere. well played wally, well played

   I wish I could hire some of those Mexican workers to do all my work on Farmville.

   I sometimes pee in the shower, and my girlfriend says that's only OK if I'm actually taking a shower.

   Don't tell your boyfriend that your friend is slutty... It will only intrigue him...