Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Me: "Hey Siri, why do I always mess things up with women?" Her: "My name is ALEXA..."

   Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.

   As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.

   I don't have a secret china bank account anymore because it's no longer a secret.

   I'm getting through the elections without a headache by using a wonderful Facebook feature you can find under settings then scrolling down to where it says log out.

   I know I have to watch Borat 2 to get the full story on the Rudy situation. But until the movie comes out, I'm gonna assume Rudy is guilty because it pisses people off.

   Life is like a helicopter... I don't know how to operate a helicopter.

   I was kidnapped by a gang of Mimes earlier!! They did unspeakable things to me...!

   It's important to look closely at all the campaign signs. Last election I voted for a real estate agent.

   I'm beginning to believe whoever said "Hindsight is 2020" was sending a message to the future we all misunderstood.

   I bought a watch at a secondhand store and it's real slow. I played cards with my buddies later that evening and the second hand lost a second every second hand.

   Facebook and Twitter are no different than commun¡st countries who control the media. Although they aren't government entities, they still have far reaching influence due to their sizable presence.

   My husband keeps tapping on the window saying..."look, it's snowing"....if he keeps it up, I suppose am gonna have to let him in.....!!

   I didn't order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we're okay...

   I can always tell when a friend spent a lot on their kitchen remodel when I can't find their garbage can.

   Just for the record, a book filled with executive orders and congressional initiatives is not a comprehensive healthcare plan.

   I dont think my girlfriend likes my schizophrenia meds, because every time I take them she goes away

   It amazes me how much exercise and extra fries sound alike.

   I used to wonder why scuba divers fell backwards into the water. Then I realized if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat

   People who wear masks while driving are the reason why Pop Tarts come with instructions.