Aaron Funny Status Messages

   the answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not....Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?

   I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

   One of the cooler things you can do when you die is be buried with an elephant bone, just to confuse future archaeologists.

   In class: 2+2=4 Homework: 2+4+2=8 Exam: John had 4 apples. He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun's mass.

   The owner of the local movie theatre passed away. His funeral will be at 2, 4:30, 7 and 10.

   I'm super lazy today. Which is like normal lazy but I'm also wearing a cape.

   If I ever get arrested, my one phone call will be to the police station to do a bomb scare. I'm not spending the night there.

   A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First lemme see the sandwich."

   I just poured superglue into a non-stick pan.Somebody is going to be wrong.

   At a four way stop, it's obvious that the vehicle bearing the most duct tape goes first.

   Would it kill Barney to just eat a kid every now and then?

   Grandma complained no one ever calls so I put a "How's My Driving?" bumper sticker on her car. The phone pretty much rings off the hook now.

   Spilling a full drink you just paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon.

   Nothing says "I've made poor life decisions" like a couch in your front yard.

   Dear Egyptians, please chill the f**k out while we consult our groundhog for advice.

   I don't know where you got your opinion, but I hope you kept the receipt.

   New favorite term: Multislacking. It's nice to find a name for something you're good at.

   I do not acknowledge the authority of this food court.

   I dream of a world where even lactose is tolerated by everyone.

   If you REALLY want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2022.