Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just bought a toilet brush, gee that thing hurts so I'll just stick with the toilet paper

   Now you no longer need a vision exam at the DMV.......Now EVERY oreintal person will be behind the wheel !!! SMH

   The heart is a msucle. What do muscles do when they are torn? Brow back stronger

   I can't go to Hell, Satan still has that restraining order against me.

   Boy: did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Girl: B!tch I crawled out of hell!!!

   Swagging on a million tissue boxes

   i think we should go to Zuccoti Park in the morning to record how the cops are gonna mistreat the protester!!!!

   Don't wish me a good day, I was looking forward to having a bad and taking it out at YOU!!!

   Cinematic Superbowl commercial trailers. Really America?

   I'd keep playing. I don't think the heavy stuff will come down for a while.

   says when a woman ask "what did you say?", she heard it, but she is giving you a 2nd chance to say it right

   Got back from lunch a little late today...I stopped at the bank and got stuck behind someone trying to do a hostile takeover through the ATM...

   "I continue to heal from the damage I've caused..." -Weiner

   If the address on your id and the address where you live are one and the same then you ain't my type of people

   this update is brought to you by, The Retirement Planning & Consultants of Fishmore & Dolittle.

   i just found out that the earthquake in japan was an inside job by the illuminati. search it on youtube "Alex Jones Says Japan Earthquake Possibly an Inside Job"

   just like a good strom--slept right through the Royal Wedding.

   if you had one chance, one opportunity, to eat warm regurgitated food or fresh dog po0, what will you take? Hilarious or Dumph?

   Valentine's Day. The one day out of the year the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.

   Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century. They’re millennial falcons.