Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.

   I planted some bird seeds at home so does anybody know how long it takes for the birds to grow

   Coronavirus Problem #137: How does one receive oral gratification when the other participant is wearing a mask?

   Good cooks don’t bake pies that taste like scented candles. cc: Darlene Van Der Pooten

   Just for the record: If your single and planning on asking me out this close to Christmas the only thing you'll be getting from me is a book, which will be do back at the libary just after the new years.

   There's something just really wrong about 2 for the price of 1 Valinetimes day cards that say "Nobody makes me smile like you do" :(

   Lets be honest and Like this status if your like me and play with the words you post like a can of Campbell's alphabet soup.

   Lies Told A Lot: "I didn't know anything." -Joe Paterno

   I've been calling him Drape this whole time. Now I hear the k. Drake. Got it. Not Drape.

   Pastor Steven Anderson needs so much Botox on his frowning forehead, even his god can't help him.

   Gary Glitter failed his driving test...he did too many minors.

   JAB, I've declared myself to be totally insane, what's your excuse. . .

   I always leave an empty roll of toilet paper on the wall so it feels neglected.

   You guys haven't lived until your forced against your own will through a v@gina head first completely naked while your dad cuts your cord.

   Some girls should be given a separate web space where domains start from 'AWWW' instead of 'WWW'

   My first potential date since my breakup was canceled due to sleep. Also, her boyfriend might have been upset.

   I'm old enough to remember when they had to put disclaimers on p0rn saying it was for "education purposes".

   why do people say something is to die for? If you die, you can't eat it...

   it is so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and say the opposite.

   Just saw A good day to die hard" movie. and its like tthey just took the Benz logo and stuck it on every vehicle they cud find, including a tank!