Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tonite I feel like drinking until it looks like Jim Joyce made the right call.

   Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.......or swallow... In that case, call me ;)

   Ummm.....there's a reason they are called "skinny jeans".......

   LOVE- Lets Over View Eachother

   commented on a woman's french manicure. "I like your tips" ...let's just say she didn't hear me correctly.

   Apparently there aren't plenty of fish in the sea thanks to BP

   Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you're in it, but the longer you stay, the more wrinkled you get.

   Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving..

   I wanna get Papa John Pizza Wasted!!!!

   Dont Touch..Its call The No No Spot For A Reason.

   The FOLD cycle on the clothes dryer isn't working.

   Life would be easier if Kleenex just made shirt sleeves.

   If idle hands are the Devil's Playground than Facebook is a full blown amusement park.

   Just tending to my rock garden, seeing if I can get a statue to grow.

   My super power is finding out about really cool sh*t after it happens.

   Are there actually people who get out of the shower to pee? I want to meet them.

   Maytag just recalled 1.7 million dishwashers. This immigration issue is really getting out of hand.

   Even if you preface it with "I think strippers smell nice", saying "You smell like a stripper" has a way of being misconstrued.

   You Canadians spell humor as "humour." American humor is better. We can do it without u.

   If you kill two birds with one stone, ..you'd better be prepared for those damn PETA people to show up at your door.