Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   surviving this massive amount of "family time" by pretending they are mental patients and I'm their case manager.

   thinking of opening a drinking/gambling establishment and calling it Liquor Up Front, Poker in the Rear

   It was good to see the entire Chicagoland area come together around the Blackhawks. Watching the Cubs vs. Sox made me think... as much as it would disappoint me, I think the White Sox should leave Chicago and not come back. Its for unification.

   Suicide is away of telling God, You can't fire me I quit !!!!!

   pop pop popsicle.. ice ice icicle.. test test oh wait..

   Thinks they should have Extreme Bejeweled Blitz Tournaments on the OCHO

   Well aren't you a waste of two billion years of evolution.

   Speak when you're angry and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.

   I'd rather be late in this world than early in the next.

   Doctors write the prescriptions illegibly so you can't see that it says: "This one had insurance. Don't kill him."

   My Girlfriend says I have a way with words..the WRONG way.

   The car stopped with a jerk. Then the jerk got out.

   just heard a rumor that President Obama is going to hire Servpro (Like it never even happened) to remove the remaining water out of BP's oil in the Gulf of Mexico........

   I fight evil wherever it may be....except in dark scary places.

   Can somebody please tell this b*tch nobody likes her...

   "hey, isn't smoking weed illegal?" replies, "Hey aren't half the songs on your iPod stolen?"

   Blind people must get stuck in bad relationships because they can't see other people.

   Dinner is no fun anymore since I stopped pretending I'm on TV when I'm cooking.

   I just watch a naked Chinese man run into a wall at full speed with a hard on. He broke his nose.

   Sure, I've done bad things in my life. But not "going to hell" bad. More like "Jesus is going to make me his b*tch in heaven" bad.