Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your kids to do it.

   It's wrong that so many people get their daily news from Jon Stewart. I get mine from Rod Stewart. Breaking news: I think I'm sexy.

   Life is all about ass; you're either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, busting it, trying to get a piece of it, or behaving like one.

   America is always on about having a black president… but ours use to be Brown but we didn't boast.

   thinks that being the BP employee of the month must really such :/

   saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, "Is he on standby?"

   developed a car that runs on water! Sadly, so far it only works with the water from the Gulf of Mexico

   noticed that piracy is killing the music industry. You try playing the guitar with a hook

   taking one beer at a time.

   has been asked to change his status regarding SATC2. Apparently PETA didn't take too well at me comparing Sarah Jessica Parker/Carrie to a horse. It was harsh on horses worldwide..... I am sorry......

   cleverly diguised as a responsible adult

   The lemonade in my new McDonalds Shrek glass tastes funny!

   Watching "bang for your buck" on hgtv not what I thought it was!

   my Halo is held up by my horns

   being burried alive...please help

   Has The Power To Make you read my status!! :D

   Where can I find what youse all is smoking in here?

   often thought that what doesn't kill us makes us drink stronger liquor.

   when a guy is sexting does he get a phoner?

   so awesome, that when I go swimming, dolphins appear.