Funny Status Messages
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Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon. Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL Doctor: 
Whatta ya mean I can't shop here? The wrong mask??? What??? -Batman
Just when I'm feeling proud to be an American, The Connors comes on.
What about the red door ? Do you still want it painted black ?
You know when it comes to being corvid free I really don't have a hard time not really socializing seeing as how I've been practicing doing that ever since I signed up for Facebook.
Guys we're having "Little Seizures" tonight!
Random Person: "It's hard to to get people to unfollow me on Twitter." Kayne West: "Hold my beer.".
If at frist you don't succeed........ Read the instructions
this a Royal Wedding or the Kentucky Derby? The hats make it confusing. I'm taking ""Camilla" to Show.
Doctor: It’s a girl Me: *starts sobbing* Doc: Are you OK? Me: Yes I'm just thinking about all the free alcohol she's going to get
Remember that old phone commercial "Reach out, reach out and touch someone. Reach out, reach out and just say hi. " I always wondered if they could of reach out and touched that someone, why would they of needed a phone to call them?
Like the 20th century used sex to sell things, the 21st century uses rage. Wonder what it will be for 22nd?
They say that opposites attract...... So I'm looking for a drug adicted unemployed drunk girl.
Do you know the two words that can wreck a man's life?......... I do.
Texbook: a tex message that way too long.
Pretty sure Crest just makes up siht wrong with our teeth to sell more of their crap.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you're having difficulty getting anything done, it's usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
ive been seeing this girl in my building for about 2 weeks,but its over now she caught me and threatened to call the cops.
It's not the fall off a tall building that kills you. It's the sudden stop.
Carrying that fake $20,000 ass is gonna get you nowhere. Literally. 