Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife and I have different ideas on death. I want to be cremated when I die and she wants to cremate me now.

   The human soul weighs 1.3 lbs. I have no proof of this other than my friend who's an attorney saying that he weighed himself immediately before and after passing the Bar exam.

   I work very hard at my job but if the opportunity arises to become a rich housewife, I'm taking it.

   Sometimes I meet people and feel sorry for their dog.

   "claims he worked like a dog"......i must be getting ripped off because my dog doesnt do any work at all around the house

   I don't understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What's next, more things?? That's how they get you

   My wife finally broke our dog begging at the table. She let him taste her cooking.

   As a high school student, I think I was bitten by a radioactive sloth

   My shrink keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects. But what does he know? He's a lamp.

   I once was brave enough to shave my privates with a straight razor. But now I don't have the balls to do it again.

   My ex told me to get some of those tablets that should help me get an erection.........should have seen her face when I tossed her the slimming pills

   Two of the greatest mysteries of the universe: 1) Why are we here? 2) How come Chinese restaurants don't serve breakfast?

   I hate it when I tell someone I'll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway

   I want to start a support organization for pets that are forced to be emotional supports for humans

   If dentist make money from people with bad teeth. Why should we use a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 of them reconmend?

   I Went to the Valentine's day parade downtown, it was nothing more than a drunk guy wandering around with heart on.

   Money may not buy happiness. But it take the sting out of being miserable.

   The self checkout line was invented for a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons.

   A night of insomnia is usually followed by a morning of browser history clearing

   When I found out that the sperm bank paid for donations. I realised that I had let a fortune slip through my fingers.