Funny Status Messages

   I love Facebook like Angelina Jolie loves to fill out adoption papers.

   Finished your 40 minutes on the treadmill, 30 on the elliptical, 20 minute cardio? Yeah? Now go read a book, dumbbell.

   I killed a man once, because killing him twice is a physical impossibility.

   "Happy Mothers Day, here is your injunction" - Kobe

   You wouldn't be able to glorify peace if it wasn't for war!

   ...I can't believe we haven't heard anything else from Michael Douglas. I guess the cat's got his tongue...

   I want to motorboat her soul.

   I went to a Mooslim birthday party laDamn if that wasn't the fastest game of Hot Potato I've ever seen!

   If only tru mp called them sh1t$shows, then no one would be mad.

   the Lord is my shepherd, He shaves my entire body to make sweaters

   I got places to go! people to see! things to do! Hopefully soon if we could all stop going places, seeing people and doing things to help beat this virus!

   If Clifford the Big Red Dog was a cat, we'd all be dead.

   I can predict the future, for example, sıɥʇ pɐǝɹ oʇ sʎɐʍǝpıs pɐǝɥ ɹnoʎ uɹnʇ pןnoʍ noʎ ʍǝuʞ I

   These Kenyan Airlines passengers seem to be down to Earth guys?

   Ladies, you can tell that your boyfriend really likes you when he removes the dirty dishes from the kitchen sink before peeing in it.

   Did Stephen Hawking have a donor card? I really need some bits for my kids Go-kart that's all?

   like who in their right mind would waste good money on life insurance when you can tell your sob story on Go Fund Me and stupid people to give you money?

   Hello, ABC? It's less than 40 hours until New Year's Eve...time to fill the sink with water and defrost Dick Clark.

   I just save $329.99 from not buying 30 vials of Restasis for dry eyes by having someone come by my house three times a day and poke me in the eyes...

   It isn't the alternative facts that makes the White House dangerous, it's the alternative reality.