Funny Status Messages
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Can someone please play with my flux capacitor already? 
Toast, and Bacon and eggs all walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve breakfast.”
United States: High Fructose Corn Syrup.
In Melania's defence, in her country it is considered a compliment to plagiarize a speech from the previous First Lady.
I can't wait for her I have a dream speech in November! -hillary
It isn't Hillary who I can't stand...it's her fans.
The Democratic and Republican parties that we once knew no longer exist. Extremists to the left of me, control freaks to the right, here I am stuck in the middle with broads.
Mother Teresa has been canonized. She's no longer Catholic fan fiction.
80's - Republicans vote for an actor. 10's - Republicans vote for a reality star. ...Why do they still blame Hollywood for everything?
Frankly Auto-correct, I am getting tired of your shirt!
[Juice Bar]...... (Wildebeest disguised as man): 36 shots of wheat grass.... (Lion disguised as Bartender): Follow me out back "sir"..... *hyenas laugh*
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys!
I never thought I would live to see the day that someone made a 'Piñata Endangerment Awareness' group...
one has facebook complex when he/she needs to have as many "friends" as possible regardless of who they are or if they even really know the person.
"Good, clean fun" is a euphemism for "having to get all dressed up and do something you don't want to, so your grandmother doesn't get sad"
living each day as if it were his last: That Korean massage parlor is on to him though. They stopped giving him dying-day happy-ending discounts.
PUA-FEN, people use acroynms for everything nowadays
Master Hathaway please save me from the evil toad mistress "I could darling but your butt is far too large to fit into the space"
it just me or would anyone else really like a hurricane named after them? Earl? Igor? Yuck! 