Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The doctor said to treat my daughter's scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.

   I love being a woman. I can slap anyone on the ass and get away with it.

   remember kids to always try 100%...not just 53%...u still need that other 47% to get things done

   Honey Boo Boo's mother has a boyfriend. Lets all reflect on my life together.

   Careful what you write on my FB. My wonderful, charming, brilliant boss reads everyone's email and st@tus Commments! Even if your not his friends he is always on top of things, such a wonderful boss!.....

   And the worlds biggest fan of the band Bullet for My Valentine goes to... Oscar Pistorius!!

   There's nothing hotter than a f@t girl in stockings. Not appearance wise, I'm talking temperature.

   I’m totally gonna ask this lady breast feeding her baby, for a little squirt for my coffee.

   Seeing Justin Timberlake and Jimmy Fallon do history of Rap, is like seeing Kat Williams and Jay-Z do History of Country!

   Bad news The Invetor of the Etch a Sketch just died at 86 - The good news is his cremated remains will be encased in commemorative Editions of the Etch A Sketch product..

   This must be the sensitive site. Lets figure out who did this and Let loose with Team 6

   I came out of the closet while getting dressed this morning, yet, no news story....

   For my wedding anniversary I wanted to make my wife feel special. So I gave her a helmet, some goggles, an egg beater, and a pack of fruit flavoured crayons.

   If you're offended so quickly and don't get sarcasm, it means you have no sense of humour.

   My woman could never work at a fast food place. They make milkshakes there, and milkshakes bring the boys to the yard.

   Just woke up from a nap with the WORST taste in my mouth

   I sometimes like to call the Suicide Hotline before having a wank Nothing makes me hornier than a woman begging me not to do it.

   If you want to Learn How to Save & Budget Your Money Ask A Republican Or A Drug Dealer!!!

   ahh yes the 7-11 Big Gulp. How much soda can one person drink???? If I ever get one again I will make sure the bed of my truck is cleaned out and I have a hand dolly to wheel it out of the store..............

   I'd tell you a joke about my p*ssy...but you'd never get it!!!!!!!