Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If she's still wearing silly bands, she's to young for you bro.

   Look. If there's a guy wearing a diamond dog collar in his profile pic, he's got a friend request coming from me. Period.

   Having your hands amputated... You just can't beat it!!

   I was offered a job today.......Al Qaeda need,s a new leader...I had to turn it down ....couldn't get life insurance

   I have just discovered that dictionaries do not contain an entry for the word 'gullible'.

   I don't know about you, but a highlight of my teenagerhood was filling my Dad's Vodka/Whiskey bottle with Water/Apple juice..

   I just made instant coffee in the microwave. I went back in time.

   wondering if Les Miles thinks he should have taken that job at Michigan...

   if alcohold is made from old fruit then I exceed my daily requirements by a long shot

   #AwkwardMoment empty restroom and he comes to the urinal right next to you......(-___-)

   Having a girlfriend who speaks a foreign language you dont understand can be tricky. She could receive a call from her secret lover and talk to him right in your face and you would never have a clue.

   found it really hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey, but I've turned myself around, and I guess that's what it's all about....

   dear gays. It's not you, it's me. I hate most straight people too…

   Was thinking about giving a f*ck today but... f*cks just don't grow on trees, you know!

   I was asked how I can be happy when those I love suffer. They need my light during those times not my darkness. I burn brighter FOR them.

   V I think the Supreme Court and most government officials went to the same summer camp

   My dog has mastered two tricks now. It might not sound impressive, but most dogs can't even ride a BMX.

   If Internet Explorer has the balls to ask you to set it as your default browser, don’t tell me that you don’t have the guts to ask her out.

   I just saved hours of small talk by switching to fat hoes.

   Saw a bar of gold running down the street ,so shouted after it................AU