Funny Status Messages
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Why do I have to play 20 questions with the gas pump, before I can pump my gas? 
Are you allowed in Starbucks if your computer is not a Mac? - asking for a white girl
.Just found out former prez was hospitalized, was he covered by obamacare
Apprently Screech will stab you to make you screech if you call him "Screech" in a saloon. Now I'm wondering how many Screech fans are in prison who would like to make Screech screech.
How come the word Flatulance is not Fartulance?
I'm a Mexican but not a "I own a metro phone Mexican."
I shot off a flare to get rescued from a bad date, and now everyone in this restaurant is mad at me.
My girlfriend does this cute lil thing where she pretends like she's not my girlfriend and screams "help me" everytime I open my trunk.
How much is it to see the therapist? Ma’am, that’s a buffet.
not sure who is the bigger ahole the guy who uses a blinker and dosent turn or the one who dosent use one and turns.
OMG can you hear that? Sarah's having sex!!! lol its so loud, like ridiculous, i'm trying to work here for god's sake :)* (Accidently sent to Sarah* the girl having sex)
Turn to the person next to you to introduce yourself and say "Pat McCrotch".
NOW ON EBAY - NBA TEAM for sale! previous owner with plantation mentality.
"I DEMAND... A TRIAL BY COMBAT" "sir it's just a parking ticket, I..."
Russia lodged a formal complaint with the United Nations over a U.N. official's condemnations of Trump. Proof that Trump is Putin's puppet.
Hillary is so evil it's stupid and Donald is so stupid it's evil.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!
Where's the civil war you morons promised? I'm waiting...
Gee, I wonder what idiot hired a guy who had to be “terminated in 11 days from a position he was totally in capable of handling.” What kind of moron gives people government jobs that they have no skill set to handle?
Don’t be so quick to judge Donald Trump’s weight. I just found out he was Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s surrogate. 