Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can do all things through spite, which strengthens me.

   The biggest story this week, is the suppression of a story about the suppression of a story. That story is also suppressed, we’ll have less on the story later.

   My phone is always in my hand. So, if you think I’m ignoring you, I am.

   Do men still go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is ten to one, and they’re already looking for things they don’t need.

   My school taught square dancing in the 4th grade, because you never know when a hoedown will break out.

   Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, which is why I’m eating it again at 11:00am.

   I’d like to thank my middle finger, for all those times sticking up for me when I needed it the most.

   It’s time for the 99% of us who are not offended by everything to quit catering to the 1% who are.

   The hardest part about driving a Hummer, is trying to find your wiener when you go pee-pee.

   You’re the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.

   Glad to see you’re not letting education get in the way of your ignorance.

   Sorry I didn’t reply for 45 days. Lol What’s up?

   May life treat you the way you treat waiters and animals.

   Life would be easier if we all had a video game health bar above our heads letting everyone know how close we are to a meltdown.

   Please don’t ride with me if you’re going to grab the dash and scream every time I run off the road. It makes me nervous.

   Dads tell cheesy jokes not because humor gets worse with age, but because the more life experience you have, the more value you place on anything that might make someone laugh, even if it’s at your own expense.

   This recipe calls for leftover bacon, and it might as well call for dragon tenderloin or bigfoot steaks.

   Grocery shopping is a constant battle between not buying snacks, so you won’t be tempted and being angry that there’s nothing to eat.

   Whistleblower comes forward with claims that strangers drag him from place to place, make him sign papers, read words on monitors and he hardly gets any ice cream.

   I was born a male and I identify as a male, but according to Stouffers portions, I'm a family of four.