Funny Status Messages

   whats the main difference between a vacuum cleaner and a harley davidson? The position of the dirtbag

   If I was a pirate, instead of having a stupid hook for one hand, I'd upgrade to some cooler attachments, like a blender, maybe a small cannon, some hedge trimmers etc.

   law of averages:The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think.

   hideing from "knuckles" the bookie, damn you Sugar Shane!

   not illiterate...my parents were married!

   enjoying deleting friends on Father's Day. I'm pretending I'm disowning my children.

   Susan Boyle sings: "Wild Horses couldn't drag me away."Maybe not, but it looks like they gave it a f**king good go, eh Susan?

   How can anyone have 99 problems? I have about 3, maybe 4 max.

   You know it's a bad traffic jam when people start are sitting on top of their cars..

   Whoever started the tradition to wear bright hideous Hawaiian shirts on "casual fridays" needs to be punch in the throat.

   downhill. Because thats how I roll!

   "ur cute when ur mad"...... "well immabout to get real adorable"

   My friend is having a baby so I went to birthing class with her, and woohoo! I now know how to wrap a doll in a burrito

   once I get a grip on reality I plan on choking it to death...

   Jersey Shore is on tonight? I guess I need to figure out how to get these Valtrex into my DirecTV box then.

   A study reported that iPhone users have more sex. Most likely cause is that there's an app for that.

   are the mosquitos bad.....are the mosquitos BAD ?!?... last night I saw two on my patio with Drinks in their hand "huffing" deep woods off .... while one said to the other " dude...you catch a buzz yet"..... yes they're that bad

   would like to take all of the warning labels off everything toxic and weed out the stupid people in my life

   If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look similar to this: 57 Asians; 21 Europeans; 14 from the Western Hemisphere; 8 Africans; 52 would be female;

   putting his left foot in and taking his left foot out - but he is NOT doing the hokie pokie, he's killing roaches...