Funny Status Messages
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dont ask me to lower my standards for you to raise your average!! 
If you don't drink, you're boring and all your stories end the same way with, “and then I got home and went to sleep.”
Instead of sending me this annoying 21 Questions App invite, why dont you just inbox me your 21 questions and I will answer right away?
I Wish they could take my sex longevity, bottle it and sell it
I'm takin' the fact that I have one neighbor who doesn't wave at me.. as a sign that she likes bags of flamin' dog poop on her porch.
When my chatty mom trails me around the store, I fill my cart with condoms, KY, duct tape, rubber gloves, and tequila, singing "Whip It".
caterpillars, all kids first pet. At least for 5 mins.
I stEverytime a kid shows me a picture or play dough sculpture, I have to do a better one. Not so proud now, are ya?
Shout Out to the first person to post a Youtube video on Facebook.... Happy now?
just got robbed at the gas station.. police came down and said "do you know who robbed you"? I replied "yes.. pump number 6"
Oh so...they taking money made from Gas to give it to the winner of the MegaMillion Lottery!! Aint that some sh!t!!!
You say "potato," I say "larger more powerful potato."
Love doesn't ask why, it ask "When and where?"
If you put your kid's GPA in your Christmas card's the grandparents might be proud of them but everyone else is gonna think YOU'RE a di<k!
If all the good ones are taken does that make me bad cause I'm single...lol
You won't regret the men you never killed, but you will regret the women you passed up.
Being a nobody and getting your head pumped up by a bunch of other nobodys does NOT make you a somebody. 0 + 0 is still 0...Just FYI...
the best parties is the ones you dont remember
My neighbors always listen to deep-throat movies with the volume cranked up all the way...whether they want to or not !!
A good plan tonight is better than a perfect plan tomorrow. So get her buzzed before the club lights come on & she gets a good look at you. 